Thursday 19 January 12 21:39
I could become skinnier and then everyone would look at me and wish they were me,
I could become intelligent and then everyone would want to be friends with me,
I could become popular and then i wouldn't be shy anymore,
I could become one of those people who always has money for new clothes,
I could become a new person who had no problems.

But that would mean leaving everything else behind.
Everything that has taught me anything.

I used to want to be the skinny person but then I realised that you can grow to love whatever body shape you are and you don't have to be 'straight up, straight down' to be perfect.
I used to think that I had to make up for what I lacked in obvious beauty by being good in every class. But I don't. I have to be myself and then I'll be liked.
I am not a popular person, I enjoy being in my own company. I have an amazing small set of friends who I wouldn't change for the world but my shyness is also part of me - and I don't want to change myself.
Having money will never make me happy.
I wouldn't swap my problems for anything because someone else will always have it worse of than you, and I need to start realising this more.

So I don't want to run away from my life. My life is too lovely.

;xoxo

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Thursday 12 January 12 21:47
So, just a quick personal post to share my New Years Resolutions. My friend and I spent a day a couple of months ago creating a lists of 100 things we want to have achieved by the time we die - some stupid, some hard, some easy, some deadly serious. I decided to use twelve as Resolutions.

January : Eat fish and chips from a fish and chip shop; I completed this one last weekend and I must say I feel truly British now, I have definitely missed out on yummy food!

February: Finish the Harry Potter Books; i am currently on book six, so fingers crossed!

March: Watch the Harry Potter Films; a marathon with my boyfriend!

April: Watch the Lord of the Rings; they are one of my friends favourite films and they don't fit her personality at all so I really need to see what the fuss about!

May: to learn how to ride a bike; I have been on one before, but I have never learnt properly and it's just one of those things I have to learn

June: have a fish pedicure; I was supposed to this for my birthday and was quite disappointed when it didn't go ahead, so yeah, a random one but I'd like to try it

July: Have learnt to drive; I started lessons about a month ago and it's safe to assume I'm not a natural driver at all. But a girl can dream eh? Fingers crossed.

August: Leave school with decent A-Levels; My absolute dream grades would be AAB, I'm predicted AAA but i'd be so happy with these grades!

September: Get into University; I have four out of five of my offers now and I think I have decided on my first choice which is AAB and my second (the only one with lower grades) which will be BBB, I really hope I achieve these because I have a real drive to keep learning.

October: Get 'para' ; I hate that phrase so much but I don't know what else to describe it as. I am a young one in my year so it will nice to be able to drink with friends and get drunk legally at uni.

November: Make a rubber band ball; You know how it is....

December: Go to Portobello Market; Last time I attempted this, i got chased down the street by a man with a charity bucket shouting at me "DO YOU WANT TO PARTY?" I think I need to try this again.


I understand to other people these may sound stupid and really easy - I bet most of you have done nearly all of these already, but a lot of them are just things I've missed out on. When I was growing up, my siblings had it very tough and the last thing on anyones mind was to fulfil the childhood things with me, and I completely understand that. I always have. But now... I want to fulfil them, and I will. Getting fish and chips was just the start - I didn't have those special takeaway days with my family, I had trying to force my sister to eat a mouthful. So they mean a lot to me, and I think thats all that matters with Resolutions :)

;xoxox

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Friday 30 December 11 17:29
Christmas Time :)
Asha, my little niece!
William , my nephew/godson :)
Me and my brother :)
Matching jumpers, me and my boyfriend :)
Josh and William, my two little nephews :)

;xoxo
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A vicious circle of not knowing what to do for the best.

For my family; 
do I just leave them to it? I mean it's their problem right? Not mine. Their children. Their lives. Their decisions. But then, what would I want? I'd want someone to shout at me that what I was doing was wrong until I believed it completely. I wouldn't want someone to just sit there while I cried out my eyes saying "What have I ever done to them?" I'd want answers. So maybe I should tell them what I think. Open up a little more. Tell my brother, he's being shit. Tell my sister she's overreacted. Tell my mum to stop crying and get help. 

For my education; 
do I go to the uni far away? or the one near my family? Yes, if distance wasn't an option the one four hours away is amazing and everything I could dream of. But the one, a hour away is nice too.... closer to home if anything went wrong.... i'd see my niece and my nephews.... my friends.... my boyfriend. These were my thoughts about a week ago and I've decided to go to the one closest to home (putting it as my first choice). Not just because of the distance but because of the course as well. I know people may say I'm being 'short sighted' but I want to be near my family. I don't want my nephews and niece to grow up not knowing me. I want to be there for them, like my sister and brother were for me. 

For now; 
A friend of mine got me an old fashioned charity store suitcase and passport holder for my christmas present and he got it so I could 'take it on my travels'. He understands me a lot more than anyone else does and I need him in my life so much. Everyone says he has a 'soft spot' for me and it's weird because although I know he likes someone else and I have a boyfriend... I'd like him to like me. Not because I feel the same. But because then I'd know he'd always be there for me, always put me first, always write me tags which say "for the girl whose amazing". It's selfish of me, but I have to brutally honest : I like the attention. He's amazing to me, and I'll miss him  like hell if he was with someone else.  I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want him to be happy.

;xoxo
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And in the end that's all that matter. Things we do don't need to make literal sense because in our hearts - it was the right thing to do. I'm reading a book at the moment that says "we did the things we knew we could do at that time" And it's true. Who cares if you look back and regret it? We did what we thought was right with what we though at the time... and what we felt in our hearts. 

Someone told me, that at my age I shouldn't be a serious relationship - by "serious" I mean one that has lasted over a year. But I disagree. I'm not saying that what I have is going to last the rest of my life, not at all. I'm going to university in September hopefully and we will both probably change. But at this moment... right now... I'm following my heart and I don't care if that means having to balance my relationship on top of school and a job. 

My head says no. My heart says, at this point in my life, I need him. And I know I'll look back on this and see that I wouldn't have changed what I experienced with him for the world.

;xoxo
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